you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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