the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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