I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
