So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
