it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
