To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
tonight lets celebrate not being married
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
