happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
