Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
