Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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