i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
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I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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