I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
