Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
FUCK WHALES
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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