The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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