So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
