Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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