I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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