dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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