I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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