I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
