I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
