i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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