My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
