i barfeds in our rink
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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