And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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