I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
