I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
