tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
