he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
