Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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