How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.