I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
