soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
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Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.