her vagine was all disorganized.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
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I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...