I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
