Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
