Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
