Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
