So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
