this beer tastes like vomit already
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he high fived his dick after we had sex
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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