i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
