Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
