North Korea, Best Korea!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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