how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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