i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
