one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This is my gift to your gina
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
