I wanna bring you to show and tell
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
