Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
