Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
