Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
