i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
