if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
