I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
