i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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