Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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