Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think your dad took our porno
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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