I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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