Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
