I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
