Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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